Yoga, Buddhism and Cambodian Concerns - Part 4 - Women and Hard Lives

This writer has spent half of his adult life living in the West, specifically the United States, and the other half living in Asia, specifically Thailand.

Living in each one of these places has been marked by the same experiences and feelings that all of us have.

There have been joys and disappointments, enlightenment and ignorance, and skillfulness and unskillfulness.

There have been deep and sharing friendships and relationships with people from both genders while other times there has been little more then a glance and a word shared.

For a good part of this writer's life and experience in both Asia and the west, there was a lack of mindfulness about how to live in a wholesome manner which led to misdirected energy and confusion.

Upon discovering, learning and practicing the teachings of Yoga and Buddhism, there was greater mindfulness, energy and understanding of oneself and others which has for the most part led to better health and living.

Whether we are a man or a women, or live in one place all of our life or not, we are bound to interact with others and have relationships built on love and sensual intimacy for the same or opposite gender, depending on our sexual interests and orientation.

These experiences may teach us much about ourselves and others, while at the same time bring us joy, fulfillment, pleasure or pain, disappointment or further confusion.

In reflecting on this writer's experiences with women from both the west and the east, there is much to reflect on, and for some, something to learn from.

In the west, the three women that I was more intimately involved with and committed to during my time there had issues to deal with, as we all do.

They were all intelligent and educated, one having received a Master's degree, while the other two I knew while they were in the university.

The first one's biggest issue seemed to be that she was impatient and got angry easily. She was very quick to judge others in a negative manner both behind their back and to their face. She also has issues regarding sex that created problems for her.

The second one that I was involved with looked at things like cleaning the house and washing the dishes as being extreme suffering because she had always had to wash the dishes when she was a child.

Washing the dishes and cleaning the house was suffering for her and instead she wanted to smoke marijuana and watch television all of the time. This was happiness to her. She used to spend long periods of time in the bathroom dealing with digestive problems. It was only after spending a couple of years with her that I realized that she might have had some serious problems that were making her have these disorders and later in life realized that these problems could have been related to her feelings about her weight and appearance or she might have been anorexic or bulimic.

She certainly had a substance abuse problem.

In sharing these things with you, I do not judge these women or people as being bad people at all. They were just people with issues and problems to face and deal with, as we all have.

The last women that I was with before leaving the U.S.

also was one who would lock herself in the bathroom after eating and she might have also been anorexic or bulimic. She was fearful of new people and new situations and tended to be critical, judgmental and at times confrontational to people very quickly.

All three of these women had suffering in their lives, though it was not for lacking anything. They were all beautiful and intelligent and came from two - parent and middle or upper middle class families, had friends and employment, and had attended the university.

They still suffered though, perhaps because they could not understand or manage their feelings or were understanding of themselves and how to live more wisely and skillfully.

This is the case for many of us who come from what are referred to commonly as being first world, modern, developed and democratic countries and cultures.

We hardly lack anything as far as materialism, but many times lack mindfulness and direction as regards who and how we are.

We may think of our life as having been hard, when in reality it was just one that we were not fully mindful about as far as how we had become alienated and isolated from ourselves and others, seeing more quickly our fears and perceived differences instead of our similarities, connections and experience and issues that we shared.

If we take some time to look at and study the teachings of Yoga and Buddhism, in Yoga meaning beyond the physical aspects of the practice, we are very quickly made mindful about those things that we share in life, such as desires, suffering, changes, and states of consciousness.

We stop seeing or striving for the uniqueness of ourselves and start to more clearly see the connections with others. For many, such an experience is one that is enlightening, though initially realizing it can be frightening and a tremendous and challenging blow to one's ego.

The women that I have known and been close to in Asia have had hard lives based on different issues and experiences then those that I knew in the west.

But perhaps it is not the area of the world that one originates from that is the main thing being looked at here. It may be more related to materialism and wealth and how we all can get caught up in the material and for the most part artificial aspects of our culture, environment and surroundings.

In Cambodia, the hardships that women can face are much more deeply embedded into the society and their interactions with others then in the wealthier and supposedly more liberated and enlightened societies and cultures of the west.

Generally speaking, the attitude of some men to their wives can be one that is more authoritative in a harsh way then in the west.

Divorce is looked upon in a way that is more demeaning or negative to the woman more so then to the man.

Women have less economic opportunities and freedom then men. Even if one is educated, their opportunities are limited as far as work available and pay.

Women can be sellers in the market of goods and food, hairdressers, dressmakers and tailors, teachers, farmers or bargirls.

The country and the society as a whole are not developed enough as yet to support anything else, though there are some female doctors and government officials.

Whereas the lives of western women and people seem to be hard because of emotional states, the lives of Cambodian women are hard because of societal, cultural and environmental factors.

One women that I have known there had the experience at the age of eleven of having to leave her country on foot, walking for weeks on end with another group of people to the Thai border. By the time that she got there, she could not walk at all and had to stay in the hospital for a year, being cared for by doctors and nurses from America, before she could walk again.

Because her physical condition was so poor she was not allowed to immigrate to America and instead lived much of her young adult life in Thailand before returning to Cambodia in the early 1990s. She now works as a hairdresser.

Another woman that I have known there is the child of divorced parents and in talks with her, implied that her father had abandoned her and her mother for a new life and wife in Thailand. An intelligent and hard working young woman, Miss Thie found work in a hotel in Phenm Phen where she worked everyday, with no days off, for at least ten hours a day, cleaning rooms. Her salary was 25 dollars a month, less then a dollar a day or about 3 cents per hour.

She finally left the job to work as a dancing partner at a nightclub, a job that pays her five dollars a night. It is no surprise that women enter the nightclub and sex trade when it pays them more money and gives them more opportunity to connect with wealthy, powerful or well  connected clients and men.

Another women that I have known there has been married twice, losing her second husband in a murder when someone tried to steal his motorbike. She works as a seamstress and dressmaker and tailor in the border town of Poipet making frequent visits to another city three hours from her where she can spend time with and visit her daughter and mother.

Wages are low and jobs are scarce for the women of Cambodia. They are able to get an education, though at times parents need and want to keep them home in order to help with the work that goes along with being a farmer.

If they have emotional issues to deal with, things are of course likely to be more difficult to deal with.

At the same time, the family structure, which is perhaps stronger and more cohesive and mutually understanding than in the west can give advice, security and support to the women of Cambodia.

Also, women as a whole seem to make good connections with others, perhaps because of the shared experience of the past and the present and there are women's organizations that assist deprived, battered and abused women.

As in all countries, the quality of a woman's relationship with their partner or spouse is important and if their husband is abusive, a drinker and gambler or a womanizer or someone who frequently visits prostitutes, there is much unhappiness, anger, resentment and problems in the relationship or marriage.

At the same time, there are many very moral and fine Cambodian men who are honest, work hard, sincere and care for their wives and families well. They do not drink or gamble and spend their time, energy and effort at improving themselves and providing for their families.

As Cambodia continues to move from its sad, horrible and tragic past, new things arise in the consciousness of its men and women.

Materialism, status, desire and the idea of what it means to be a success become uppermost in some people's consciousness.

The importance of the teachings and practices of Yoga and Buddhism are not looked at or understood, though many would benefit from knowing and practicing them.

Of course, this same idea holds true for people from all parts of the globe, whether they are men or women, or from Cambodia or the United States.

It does not take much effort or wisdom on our part to see that there may be a better way to live and approach life. If we can be open to such an idea, we all may learn something that is worthwhile to know and apply.

Resources for further information on the situation and status of Cambodia women

 New York Times Online  Page 1, Nicholas Kristorfs articles and interactive features on prostitution and prostitutes in Cambodia ; American Assistance for Cambodia

;2005 John C. Kimbrough

(John lives and teaches in Bangkok, Thailand. He can be reached at johnckimbrough@yahoo.com)