Wisdom and Ignorance: Relationships - Not Being The Way That We Want Them To Be, But Understanding The Way They Can Be

The specter or experience of separation and divorce has been a fact of life in Western culture for the last fifty years or more and an event that many have had in their own lives.

As a child and teenager growing up in Brooklyn, New York during the 50's and 60's, I remember most of my friends as being the children of divorced parents.

I never remember seeing or meeting the fathers of some of my friends though they were somewhere in the world and seemingly could have made a visit to the neighborhood where they and I lived.

The same unfortunately held true for my own father and mother and my father went to live a life in Florida with his second wife, and along the way may have lost interest in his son and neglected the responsibilities that go along with being an father.

It is often reflected upon that divorce is now and has been very much a part of life in western culture for a long time. To say that it is part of western culture does not mean that it does not happen in Asian cultures also, and the prevalence of divorce in any country or culture seems to be one more based on economic and material development then on one's country or culture of origination or primary influence.

With attitudes about marriage and divorce such a major part of our thinking and so deeply ingrained and our desire to always be happy and satisfied, perhaps even unwisely thinking that things should always be going our way and be perfect, there is no doubt that divorce will continue to be a major aspect of life for the cultures of the west and economically developed countries and the people who make them up.

At the same time, there are some trends and studies that suggest that people may be more mindful about what is causing problems for them in their relationships and marriages and making some effort or seeking guidance so they can deal with them better.

But of course we must all realize that there may be a time when we no longer want to share our life with a particular person because of how we perceive or know them to be or because we are more attached to another person or our own desires.

That is just the way life and people are and to demonize such a person as being self -centered or selfish does little or no good.

It is also true that we all are and have been ignorant, and many times our actions in relationships and marriage have been largely based on sexual desires and other sexual factors, instead of any real mindfulness about our minds and bodies and people as a whole.

Too many times our thoughts and ideas regarding potential partners or our partners have been nothing more then a manifestation of sexual desire instead of an understanding of what it is to be married and make a commitment to that marriage.

In addition to all of this, seeing our way and understanding better what our roles are as men and women, both in an out of a marriage has not always been something that is easily seen by us or defined for us.

In ignorance of many things about ourselves, others and life, we too many times get upset or resentful when things in a relationship or marriage do not go perfectly or the way that we want them to be or go.

Instead of understanding what the relationship can be and evolve to, through both effort and wisdom on our individual parts, we too quickly get confused and upset because they are not going the way that we want them to go in the moment or at the present.

Perhaps much of the problem is that we come into relationships through the desires of the body, our conditioning, the state of the ego and with degrees of weakness.

Yes, it is true that some people get married when they are too young, but people who are older do not always come into relationships with much mindfulness about themselves and what is involved in one and it.

If we had a better understanding that life is an ongoing development of ourselves both in the material and spiritual sense, we might be better able to see that our moods, feelings and desires in the moment should not be the controlling factor in how we live, act and react to others and instead that there are always things to learn and if we can be patient and see, there may be something greater to learn, experience and evolve to in the long run.

Perhaps it starts with having a clearer idea of who and how we are and what it is we want from the partnership, relationship or marriage that we are embarking on or involved in.

Perhaps we also have to be more clear about what our roles and interests are, not based on what others tell us they should be, but through our own effort and mindfulness as regards ourselves.

We may also benefit when and if we understand that we may not need to have a close relationship with another from the same or opposite sex in order to be fulfilled or satisfied and that some times such a relationship can consist of little more then an extension of our own prejudices, fear, anger and bias.

If we are looking for growth in life, it can be experienced alone and with others, in relationships based on various things and varying in degree of closeness.

Relationships that have elements of sexual power or submission in them are fraught with danger for all involved and should be avoided or not indulged in.

The nature of sex can be one that leads an individual to various desires and emotional feelings and entanglements that may not be best for all that are involved.

A saying that I heard more then once in my youth was never go to bed with someone who has more problems then you.

It is a saying that is somewhat humorous and has an element of truth to it, but we seldom fully get to known another's problems, feelings and actions with any degree of real knowledge or intimacy until after we have been to bed with them.

Perhaps this is also another reason why celibacy in thought, word and action is a teaching of Yoga and recommended for all who practice Yoga to try and understand and implement to some degree into their lives.

Buddhism also gives us guidelines to follow as regards our sexual thoughts and desires which vary depending on whether one is a practicing lay person, nun or a monk.

Our ignorance shows most greatly in life and relationships when we blindly follow our desires and think that everything must be going the way that we want it to be.

That state of ignorance is intensified when we react with anger or resentment to the current situation or experience.

Wisdom leads us to understand that even if there are problems at the moment, they can be overcome and dealt with, or at the very least understood so that when they crop up again, they are seen for what they are and do not lead everyone astray or into anger or depression.

At the same time, if we can see that two people may not be able to live a life together that is joyful, mutually respectful and understanding and fruitful anymore, they should go their separate ways, hopefully in a manner where they still like each other, understand what they have gone through and are mindful about their responsibilities to any children involved.

If wisdom is an important thing in life and relationships and ignorance is something that makes everything more problematic or liable to misunderstandings, confusion, resentment and anger, we need to be mindful about what it is we need to do to cultivate wisdom.

This can be a long and drawn out process as wisdom does not happen instantaneously or in one moment, day or week. In saying such a thing, we also want to remember that all men and women always have aspects of the life and consciousness that are wise and lead one to greater wisdom.

In cultivating greater wisdom into our lives, we first have to be more mindful about how we are and see if it is causing us problems in our perceptions and reactions to people or not and then see what it is we are doing or what it is we can change to make things better.

Two ways to bring this about are to learn, study and implement a set of guidelines or teachings that give us a criteria with which to measure ourselves against and to experience some time of quite stillness and reflection each day, such as when one practices meditation.

Yoga and Buddhism offer us such a set of teachings and practices, though one does not have to only look to these paths as ways to cultivate wisdom.

Regardless of what perceptions people who do not practice Christianity or Islam might think of these religions, members of families that do practice them are in many instances understanding of their teachings and roles which leads to a strong and determined focus in their lives, relationships and marriages.

This writer has been especially impressed by many of the marriages between people of the Islamic faith that he has encountered during his trips to Indonesia, Malaysia and Bangladesh, among other countries and places, where marriages are based on sobriety, the understanding and performance of various duties and responsibilities, a submission to a higher power, and an agreed on and accepted method for handling problems.

This is not to say that all marriages between Muslims are good or happy ones, but just to say that with the understanding and acceptance of one's roles and responsibilities, things are sometimes better, then if we ignorantly attach to our own feelings and desires at any particular moment or use stimulants, intoxicants and various escapes habitually and thoughtlessly as many of us have and are now doing.

Such actions and activities only make things worse.

Relationships of any kind or degree require patience, insight, understanding and compassion.

These states arise when we spend sometime making ourselves tranquil, calm, concentrated and mindful on a regular basis.

The physical practices of Yoga and meditation practice within the context of any spiritual discipline or as an isolated practice outside of a wider set of teachings have shown themselves to be quite effective in bringing about states where one is naturally more calm, tranquil, concentrated and mindful.

Perhaps a wider dissemination of these techniques and practices and their application into our lives would lead to greater individual and community wisdom and lead to better skillfulness in how we relate to and engage in our relationships.

2005 John C. Kimbrough (January 10th, 2005)

(John lives and teaches in Bangkok, Thailand. He can be reached at johnckimbrough@yahoo.com)