Why Apologies Are Sometimes Not Enough

Throughout the world there seems to be a reluctance of

people to say “I apologize” or “I am sorry” or “We

apologize”.

This happens frequently among both country leaders and

world leaders as to say such a thing seems to be

thought by some to bring great shame to a whole

country or people or perhaps open one to some kind of litigation and financial settlement that they are not

 prepared to deal with or pay.

One might be tempted to say that Asian leaders are

even more reluctant to issue apologies then leaders in

other parts of the world, but this is not always the

case or true.

Regardless, all people seem to have a difficult time

making apologies.

On the other hand, the world seems to be full of

people who make accusations, be they world, business

or social leaders, or in one’s own home and workplace.

Certainly, the conscious and unconscious habit and

tactic of making accusations does little or no good

and risks making everybody more confused and upset.

It certainly does cloud any issues and makes them more difficult to look at clearly and deal with in a constructive

 manner.

For many, the road to making or issuing an apology can

be a long and difficult one. It means admitting that

we were wrong or mistaken in what we thought, said or

did and we never want to admit to ourselves that we

are wrong or have the capacity to be wrong.

It also opens us up to that other phenomenon already

mentioned, accusation.

But if by some effort or chance we can get around to

making an apology, is that enough and the end of the

matter?

Certainly the person who has made the apology would

like to think so and now everything can go back to the

way it was before, but it is in such an approach that

the real problem may lie that has to be dealt with.

Apologies may ease the hurt and pain or bring an issue

more clearly into everyone’s consciousness but what

needs to be looked at is what attitudes were prevalent

and in force that allowed such a thing to happen in

the first place.

Can a woman really accept her husband’s tearful

apology if three days latter he will beat her again?

Can a child really accept the apology of a parent or

adult if he or she will be subject of their mental,

emotional, verbal, physical or sexual abuse again in

the near future?

Can an adult or parent accept the apology of a drink

or drug addicted child if the child will be using

drugs or drink again in the next few days, and perhaps

steal money from the parent in order to finance and

purchase the drink or drugs they need so much?

When we are given an apology, it always seems the

noble or best thing to do is to say “I accept it” and

“it is alright”, but maybe it is better to say “that

is not enough”.

Maybe we need to be mindful and ask the person who is apologizing that they have more work and effort to put

 forth in order to not allow such an event, situation or state of being to happen again.

That means that we may have to be insistent and strong

in how we handle another’s apology, saying that an

apology alone is not enough.

The way people can be and the way that the world can

be show us that perhaps we have to be insistent that

the capacity to bring about deeper and more permanent

changes are being investigated and some sincere effort

is being made to cultivate them.

At the same time, we all know that real change such as

this requires a real acknowledgement that not only is

someone wrong and apologizes, but that someone has a

problem or issue that needs to be addressed and

investigated.

Since it is so hard to find people who will even

apologize, it seems logical that it will even be more

difficult to find those who will put forth such an

effort.

This is most unfortunate because it means that one

year from now, ten years from now and one hundred

years from now, regardless of where we live and what

our status is and how high our standard of living is,

the same problems will surface again and again,

causing pain, confusion, misery and suffering in

households, workplaces, and countries throughout the

world.

©2004 John C. Kimbrough

(John lives and teaches in Bangkok, Thailand. He can

be reached at johnckimbrough@yahoo.com)