When Love is Unhealthy - Part 1

It is has been said again and again throughout mankind's history, in books, poems and plays and among the great and unknown, that love is the truly great experience of one's life.

In our ignorance, we quickly and blindly think that any time we feel and experience love, we are righteous and that nothing else matters.

Words and phrases such as love is blind mean little to us, especially when we are caught up in the emotional, sensual and sexual desires that love brings us.

Many times, we are overwhelmed unwisely by the sexual aspects of love and the initial attraction to and desire for another.

Those who have or have had long - term relationships or marriages know that these initial things wear off and change, sometimes to a state of greater wisdom, insight and understanding about love while at other times to confusion, resentment, disappointment, anger and many times, a sense of betrayal.

With the many confused, contradictory and troublesome things that we may be exposed to in our day to day living in this modern world and the own ignorance that we have about ourselves, it is not uncommon to see us gravitate to and engage in love for unwholesome or unskillful reasons.

In saying this, one remembers a newspaper report from the New York City newspapers some years back that was about as man who was having relationships with almost fifty different women at the same time, taking advantage of the money that they gave him and the sex that they wanted and needed.

This reminds us that many times our idea of and need for love is not based on knowledge about who and how we and others are and can be, but instead in our own fear and apprehension at being alone.

Too many times we may think that if we are not with others or doing things with others or involved with them in some way, that we are not living or that we are lacking as individuals in some manner.

One of the greatest victories and achievements that we can have in our lives is when we can start to spend sometime alone and enjoy it, seeing the opportunities that it can give us to learn more about ourselves while strengthening the wholesome and weakening the unwholesome within.

Many times, when we blindly run to another and love, we may be doing nothing more then searching out someone to reaffirm who and how we are already.

If we are such a way, we may be engaging ourselves in a relationship that we think is based on love, that does little more then keep us from looking at and working on ourselves and in many cases will only make things worse.

In looking at love and relationships and how we may be running to them out of our loneliness and a fear of being alone, there may be something worth learning from the Indian and Yoga approach to life, that looks at it in stages of living and acting, instead of blindly and ignorantly chasing or being under the influence of our feelings, emotions and desires of the moment.

It advises us to spend the first 25 years of our life building up a firm and balanced foundation for life through education, the understanding and acceptance of duties and responsibilities, the cultivation of necessary skills and extraordinary talents for living, and knowing about how to look after and take care of ourselves in the best manner.

This idea of the best manner would include some knowledge about and the practice of Yoga.

It is only after we reach the second stage of our life, starting at around the age of 25, that we would pursue a relationship and commitment to another, a commitment based on wisdom and insight, not on the fear of being alone or loneliness.

Applying such a teaching to our lives, wherever they may be, may not always be easy, possible or practical, but we could use it as a set of guidelines for our children.

Also, in the big, modern and at times cold cities and environments of this world, it is natural to feel lonely or unappreciated and unloved at times.

If we can see that these are feelings, feelings that can arise and fade away like all mental phenomenon in life, we may be less likely to get involved with the wrong person for the wrong reasons and instead direct our time and energy to things that bring us a more long lasting understanding about ourselves and others, so that whether or not we are alone or with another, in love or in not, we experience and pursue it with greater mindfulness but about what is going on both within ourselves and outside of our being.

2005 John C. Kimbrough

(John lives and teaches in Bangkok, Thailand. He can be reached at johnckimbrough@yahoo.com)