"If we lived as though these were our final moments in this world, what time would there be for old games, or falsehoods, or posturing? Only love would be appropriate, only the truth."

Stephen Levine

************

Thursday Feb 21st;

Tonight I stepped over the 'threshold' to a new tomorrow. We have experienced the beginning of Spirit Quest. The surroundings are beautiful & lush like tropical gardens. Upon arrival we noted a red cardinal, unafraid... and an alligator sunning on the lakes edge.

I felt a communion w/ the cardinal...and we looked one another over for quite some time. Dan fed him some breadcrumbs.

We 'girls' learned to sit up a tent alone! I'd never done that... never having belonged to a scout troop, etc. We 'group pee' in the woods... and laugh a lot. There is sanctity in humor...

In the preQuest time, Robert speaks to us softly & clearly... teaching us the ways of the Quest. I feel so close to my girls... and Dan is doing so well!

We share a meal, walk off our 'sites' for the encampment tomorrow...  then gather for a time of 'Fire Talks'.

 We do a group drumming, then are led on a shamanic journey to the middle world, where we meet our 'Power Animal' for the 1st time...or reacquaint ourselves w/ ones we've met before. On this trip, I sense a general 'darkness' & then realize that I am in a jungle setting. "Falcon" is there & shape shifts back & forth to the Cherokee Brave. I ask him what I will gain from this Quest, and he tells me I will have ears to hear & eyes to see. Then he says, "This is what will happen to you..." and he spreads his arms/wings and takes on the brilliant colors & plumage of a parrot or macaw! I am awestruck & tell this creature, "You are glorious!" and he says, "So are you". I look to the brave and say, "You are so fearless!" and he says, 'As are you'. I look to Falcon & say, "And you have such distant vision..." He tells me, "All you need to do is look within."

I ask if Mama is there, and I hear her voice say, "I'm hear baby girl" & I tell her, 'My baby girls are here too, so watch over them.'

We did a fire ceremony where we each 'surrendered' something we no longer needed. I gave up 'Distrust'. I will talk more about that tomorrow. I am writing by flashlight right now, & don't want to disturb the others.

We took a vow of silence, hugged one another & prayed for each one's safe Quest. This is our last night of being together until Sunday. I am going to sleep in silence.

****

Friday, Feb 22;

As I write the date, I remember that it is Mari's birthday & I prayed for her health. I heard her cough thru the night. Dan had some apneic breathing during the night, & I pray for his restfulness & well being, as well.

I thank you Mother/Father God for giving me this family, this soul mate, and this friend. Knowing that after all, they are one & all the same... family, soul mates & friends...

I am excited & prayerful. I dropped my gallon jug of water on the way to my site & broke it. Had to go back to base camp to replace it. I had a restless night in the tent last night... I couldn't stretch out. But I'm happy!

When I got to my site, a yellow butterfly led me deeper into the woods, than I had originally planned to set up. I came upon this beautiful circle of pines. I felt Spirit inviting me to stay, and so I asked the trees for permission to visit for a couple of days. There were 7 large pines encircled & I dubbed them the 'Circle of Sisters'... I was officially a Pine Sister!

At that point, I gave my tobacco offerings in a large circle around my site... I lit the smudge sage stick and blessed the '7 directions'. To the East (spring), of beginnings. To the South (summer) of youth & joyfulness. To the West (autumn), of harvest. To the North (winter) of knowledge of the ancestors. To Grandfather Sky & Grandmother Earth...and finally to the inner being of Self.

I can feel the Grandmothers here w/ me now.

I set up my tent w/ ease! (And it still feels like a major accomplishment). I hung up the little protective angel that Judy had given me... and she smiles down benevolently... ;o)

 I changed shirts, & when I did, I lost my glasses. I looked all over & couldn't find them. I just figured that all was for purpose, & it would insure that my 'sight' would be directed inward. ;o)

But then I remembered that it would be nice to see the stars at night. So when I asked my guardian angel, Kaliel, to help me find them... there they were!

I gathered pinecones & bits of sticks & branches, saying a blessing upon each one as I moved them from their current places of energy... to another place of sacredness. I created my Circle-of-Purpose (or medicine wheel). I blessed & walked the circle in both directions... knowing that the counter clockwise walk is a form of blessing the feminine energy. When I leave this sacred circle, it will be from the East. I mark that spot w/ my carrier & an upright branch.

Today is cloudy & it looks like it may rain. The park camp master says they have been hoping for rain...& that there had been a ring around the moon the night before...so she was expecting some. I can only pray the Will of Heaven on the weather.

I am protected, loved & cherished. Adored by my fellow beings & Spirit. Everyday is a new 'birthday' in some way, isn't it?

I hope to find a flower for Mari's special day. She is my Quest-partner & each day we will let each other know thru a code, that we are alright. There is a crooked tree near the fire wall road. At the dawn, I will place a log against that tree... at sunset she will place the log down on the ground. This is our code...

Thoughts; I am surrounded by this protective circle of sisters... my sisters of Pine. I feel the common bond of feminine Sprit. Why was I so blessed as to be born a woman? It is a profound joy! To know that I was chosen to procreate... creating life... giving birth to angels w/o wings! Ahhhhhhh...

Last night I said I would expound upon surrendering 'distrust'. It came to me that the habits we create throughout our lives are useful tools in the beginning. We do them for the feedback, or the protection...or for some reason we have chosen as important. So perhaps 'distrust' had kept me from 'risking too much' or getting hurt in some ways, over time. But there also comes a time when we will outgrow those protective mechanisms, called habits. Then we need to end or change them. And so I give up this lack of trust. Trust in self, in others, & life in general. I need to step out of shyness...into my fullness! I need to quit worrying about others motives or my expectations of pain. It is time to live before I die... We learn trust vs. distrust as a baby. But we cultivate it as adults. Life is too short to sew seeds of discontent.

Let it Go...Let it Flow... Dance the Dream... Enjoy the Flight!

And so it is...

I am overcome w/ the need for sleep! I can't seem to hold my eyes open. It's overcast & breezy, so lying here on the mat outside my tent is conducive to snoozing. A pinecone drops on the tent & awakens me once. Then there was an ant bite. At one point, I opened my eyes to see 2 huge wide-wing spanned birds circling Mari's campgrounds... The eagles??

I wake up thinking about food. Not that I'm hungry, just that I routinely eat from habit about this time.

At 1st I start to get mad that we are located in an obvious flight pattern... but as I listen more closely, it becomes the sound of 'Power' in the upper air. Not unlike the sound of ocean waves pounding. So now the planes will be a symbol of my new 'empowerment'.

I think the extra sleep has been a gift of relaxation for me. Showing me that I can unwind & not be fidgety or fearful in the wilderness. I don't have to spend unnecessary time 'marking my territory' w/ 'doing'; but simply allowing the flora & fauna to observe me in my quiet sleep state. They are learning to trust me, even as I learn to trust the 'circle of sisters'.

My pine sister to the south has many sapling pines at her feet. I wonder if she feels protective, or if like her human counterpart... that they seem 'underfoot' much of the time. Just musing here...

I'm not wearing my watch this wk-end, but it looks to be noonish. I've seen no animals, except the birds. Very few bird calls, actually. Perhaps they sense the coming rain?

Tried my hand at braiding pine needles. Apparently my tribe was not basket weavers...

There is a spider near my mat right now, w/ a blue bulbous bottom. I am her curiosity, & she jumps aside each time I move. But not too far. She is studying me. Or maybe she likes the color green (of the tent & mat). Metaphysically a spider represents communication. I am communicating w/ the communicator.

I tried digging a trench around my tent, but it seemed too disruptive of the sparse grass root system, so I quit. Now the rain is coming down hard...and I may regret that!

Saw a teeny frog, and wondered if he thought me a giant.

Interestingly, the tent leaks in spots. I had to put up the umbrella inside the tent! The under pinning of an umbrella are quite intricate! I wonder what the inventor was thinking? Quite a feat...not unlike a drawbridge.

The sound of the raindrops hitting the tent has a sound just like burning kindling.

Sounds like branches may be falling sometimes. Every sound is amplified...but that is nice too. "Calls" me to listen to what I have shut out in the past...

The tops of the pine trees are swaying a good 6-10 ft in the winds. Makes me realize what strength there is in being flexible.

Raindrops become a relief map on the walls of my tent. Rivulets leading to tributaries, on their way to the creek beds that will pour into a river, ultimately seeking the ocean. Even now, I am that droplet; seeking the ocean of my Goddesshood. On my way to the homeland of my Divinity...

I am studying my hands & I see tiny scars on one finger. I know that my skin cells have completely reproduced themselves 100's of times over the course of my lifetime, & yet whatever trauma (now long since forgotten) that created the tiny white scars...is indelible in the make up of my skin. I have been forever 'marked' by that moment. We have moments like that throughout our lives...ones that stay w/ us forever. SpiritQuest is one of those indelible moments.

Funny, how I never find time to write at home, & now it is become my salvation...

The rain persists & the staccato of the drops on my (somewhat leaky) tent, begins to sound like fireworks, or worse...gunfire... in a war torn country. I start to pray for the rain to end...thinking it will discourage the other Questors... but I know I have to stay in this moment. Being swayed neither by desire or denial. I am simply a part of this moment...

A song comes to me...complete w/ melody! How strange...

SpiritQuest SpiritQuest

Come to me now

SpiritQuest SpiritQuest

Teach me to Be.

From the east of my Rebirth

To the south of Joy & Youth

To the west of my Gathering

To the north of my Learning

Grandfather Sky opens up his heavens

Grandmother Earth... Gaia to my soul!

SpiritQuest SpiritQuest

Flow now through me

SpiritQuest SpiritQuest

Teach me

Simply

To Be...

"See if I will not pour out a blessing upon you that you cannot contain; shaken, pressed down, & running over."   _ Jesus Christ

It is dusk. The rain has stopped & there is a sense of cleansed air all about me. In the distance, I can hear Darla ring her bells & occasionally I can hear Angi's echoing drumming. I walked to the 'partner tree' (crooked tree) & see that Mari has been there to retrieve her birthday note from me, & has moved the message log. This lets me know that she is alright, & I pray that her cold is gone. The day has passed quickly in slumber. Will I be awake all night?

The 'song' rings continually in my head & I wonder if I will 'trust my voice' to sing it for the group on Sunday?

I pray we see stars tonight! I pray for Dan's journey. He has been unconditional love personified...

I asked Mama questions today... like what her goals were when she was young. Did she long to write like Pearl S. Buck, her favorite author? Although Mama's poetry & songs were wonderful. Did she ever long to sing on stage, or was singing in church enough for her? Did she ever feel overwhelmed w/ the children & circumstances in her life? I thanked her for being even more to me, than she would ever know. You too Daddy...my playmate for life...

Sat Feb 23;

Just had a rough night. No critters, but it rained all night & apparently rained inside the tent as much as outside. I woke up in the middle of the night to wet clothes, soaked pillow, 1/4-1/2" of puddles in every space. Also my legs felt like they were on fire from bug bites! I knew I'd have to take off my pants & wash my legs& apply some cream to the areas, or it would drive me nuts. But when I tried to untie my shoe, the laces were horribly knotted. I had to figure it out using the flashlight (which I hoped wouldn't draw animals). Almost cried w/ frustration, & noted I had a vague headache to match my aching hips & lower back. No Tylenol available. My hair is dripping all over, as I woke up w/ my head in a puddle. My knees are continuously bent...so there is pain there. I took a benadryl for the incessant itch, & managed to sleep till 1st light.

Was able to get up, pee, & shake out the tent a little, also smudged the area of my sacred circle, thanking God for safety during the night, before the rains started again. I asked God for some sunshine, even though I know I should be 'in the moment' & just BE w/ what has been given me. OK...lesson learned.

I wonder how everyone else is doing, & I pray that their tents are not the sieves that mine is. I am feeling some guilt about the tents. Then I remind myself that I can't be a part of their experience. They will do & be what they will. Mine is to get thru this day; enjoy what aspects of it I can & just survive the more unpleasant ones.

When I went to check our crooked tree this morning, I found the carved stick that Mari had made for me w/ my name & the year carved on it! How clever & loving she is... I found the perfect poem for her that had been inscribed in my journal, so I will attach that to the tree, when this rain lets up.

I had involved dreams about Michael Jordan last nt...(??)

My hair is soaked... I stink...But I am alive & happy!

OK, there is humor to be had here. I just braided my hair & I look like Pippi Longstockings grandmother. Too bad it won't hold till morning so that everyone could get a laugh from it.

I walked northwest across the firewall lane to a meadow. All fresh & green from the rain. I feel as though my given name is 'Pine Sister'. My circle-of-sisters continue to protect * be w/ me.

"Experience each breath as though it were the last. Enter each moment, each conversation, each lovemaking, each meal, each prayer, each meditation as though there may never be another"   _Stephen Levine

Good observation...

The weather is getting worse. It is now cold & blustery along w/ totally wet! Had to put up the umbrella inside the tent again, to keep the rain off my face, which drives me to distraction. If Chinese water torture consists of that, than I can see why it works.

This dampness & coldness makes me think of earlier tribes who walked the Trail of Tears & dealt w/ inclement weather w/o benefit of even a leaky tent. I have new empathy...

Again, I am sleeping like a surreally drugged person. Is it the low barometer that causes all of nature to shut down & preserve energy?

I dreamed that I was having dinner w/ Bob Newhart & Suzanne Pleshette. They were doing a revival of their old TV show, calling it Springtime in New England. We were having tomato soup & crackers. When I asked for more crackers, Suzanne chided me & told me to have more soup, & lay off the crackers! In the metaphysical realm, if food= knowledge, then she was trying to force me to receive knowledge as SHE knew it, not necessarily as I did. Good lesson there. Even Christ knew that we would each have to 'work out our own salvation' in different ways. We all have different maps, even as we work our way to the same destination. Like someone famous once said, "It's ALL good, folks!"

I tried my hand at drawing a few things. Again, my tribe is not one of the artisans... I can only hope that my people were ones who observed & kept written record. Otherwise, I'm screwed...ha

The wind must be shifting around to the north, because of the cold. So maybe (hopefully!) the front is thru... And we will see some stars tonight.

Earlier, I gathered some sticks for my ceremonial 'fire' tonight. Which will be totally ceremonial w/ our group & this wetness. It will grant me a focal point where I can cry out for my vision. I trust the rain will end by then, so that I will be looking at more than 4 green walls.

God gave me the thought of how people who lived closed-off lives, miss out on 1/2 the joy that is going on about them. Readily brought home to me, having been cloistered for 2 days inside this 4X6 tent. (Which, by the way, I plan on measuring later. Because if this thing is 6' long, then I am 7' tall!) Poor Dan...makes me hurt even more for him. If I have such knee fatigue from being in a constant fetal position, I can only imagine his. Also makes me think of the patients in hospitals & nursing homes, who aren't turned often enough, or kept dry enough... heaven help them all.

My 'song' has remained w/ me today; So I do take it w/ me...

I am watching my pine sisters twist & turn in the winds. Some are creating 20' circles at their tops. I note that the healthy green ones are the ones who flex the most. Nearly all of them are losing some smaller branches. Like all healthy beings, we give up the extraneous...the things we no longer need for our growth. And the pines that look near death move very, very little. One can sense that a strong wind will just topple them over one day. We cannot allow ourselves to 'pine away' & die inside. Because the outer havoc will push us over, just when we most need the strength of being flexible. (Mental note; There is a dead pine to my north...eeks!)

The pine to my far west has a natural 'mandela' (encircled pattern) in the high boughs. I 1st noticed it last night as the skies got darker, turning the scenario, as it does- to a black & white photo-look. The mandela was so evident then. I thought maybe it was the 'lights& angles' of the dusk. But here it is again in the light of the afternoon. A nice Native-American omen, encouraging me to hang in there...

Tonight we are to maintain an all night 'awake' vigil for our Vision. Probably a good thing, since the floor of the tent is underwater again... including the mat & sleeping bag. Much like sleeping w/ a bedwetting sibling...one can create enough body warmth to sleep thru the misery...ha

The rain lets up enough for me to open the net zipper a few inches. From this vantage point, I feel like a hunter in a duck or deer blind...just watching the world 'apart'. Is that my calling? To be an 'observer' of the world about me? Not a bad thing to be...

My prayer stick, created for me by a medicine man over a decade ago, is totally soaked. The angora goat, beaver, fox, & rabbit fur is matted & it pains me. I try to brush it out w/ my toothbrush, to no avail. Interestingly, the hide near the stick is a tender pink & I mourn for the animals that were sacrificed for the making of the stick. We have been thru the flood together, so the prayer stick now means even more to me.

The rain stopped for a while & I was able to check out some more of my surroundings. Even heard the snuffling of a wild boar under the palmettos. Lots of branches have fallen since the storms started, & was interesting to note that some created a perfect 'circle of purpose' around one of my sister pines. I thanked them all for their protection over the past 2 days, & asked them for communion of Spirit throughout this, our last night together. Knowing that we will never share a time like this again. I have developed an affinity for them.

Today I started my period...deepening that feminine connection.

I'm happy that I have remembered to enter & exit my sacred space only by the 'East Gate'. As I pass thru it, I always touch the log...noting the sacredness of even small acts. How much of life is unobserved! We live life by 'rote', plodding blindly thru...never noticing the subtle changes that a breeze may bring.

Notes for future Quests; One does not have to be physically miserable to be observant. Perhaps a cabin-like setting where we take vows of silence for the day...each going our separate ways... journaling in the wilderness. Then returning at dusk, for our scared circle ceremonies & evening rituals. (Sharing what we have observed that day). Then at sleep time again taking the vow of silence, having breakfast the next day in that silence, before again going our separate ways into nature. If solitude were needed, perhaps a 1 nt 'solo' would suffice. I think there are no limitations here!

Sat afternoon; Oh my! this was meaningful... I was in my 1/2 daze world, as I have been so much of my time here. It's almost like a hypnotic state... That's the only way I know how to put it. In fact I was thinking my tribal name must be Dreams the Dance or something... Anyway, I sat up in the tent to observe thru the netting, and sitting there on my palmetto bouquet was a brilliant red cardinal! Looking right at me...when I said 'hello', he moved right up to the perimeters of my circle...but didn't encroach upon it. Then his mate flew to his side, looking like his twin except for her brown coloring. She stayed right near him. It caused me to recall that they mate for life. What an auspicious sight. I hope you see them too, Dan....and know that we are mates for life as well...

Also saw the 2 large birds (yes, definitely eagles!) swooping over Darla's camp area. Their nest is in the pine to my east, so they are staying close to home.

Note; Eagles nest East... "place of my rebirth"

Sapling pines South...'Place of joy & youth"

Mandela tree West..."place of my gathering"

Old Ancestor pines North..."place of my learning"

The song rings in my head all day & night... and I serenade the sisters...

"Discover yourself. Because you are the Truth. And no one can take you there except you"_Stephen Levine

I'm feeling rather like Jane Goodall... looking out for any signs of life from my little green habitat. It must be 40 degrees outside...still cloudy...spitting rain. The coldness tends to leech into your bones. I put on another damp shirt, and 3 pr of socks. God grant us all the warmth of shared Spirit & love...

I maintain my hope for a starlit night tonite... afternoon shadows deepen... closer to time to for seeking our Quest for Vision...

If my issue is to discard distrust, then I have to 'trust' that I am enough... in & of myself alone. I may be blessed w/ love & relationships & family & friends... but my basic core self...is to be trusted fully. I am enough! I have only 'to Be'. There is nothing I could 'do' to attain 'worth'... I was born w/ it! God & I are ONE, how could I distrust such a dynamic?

I call for my vision. I call for that 'gift' that I will take back to the tribe of man. I call for my 'song' to sing for the world. I gather together my angels, my guides, power animals, helpers, teachers, archangels & ancestors. Be w/ me now... Grant me your protection & blessing. My Cherokee sisters of the 7 directions. My 7 sisters of pine. It is time...I am ready to envision my Path!

*One more note before nightfall. I walked out to relieve myself for the night & thought I saw a raging fire out to the west! (Wondering how anyone could find dry wood here) But it was a fiery gold & red sunset! All the colors of the macaw. I don't think I ever would have noticed it, if not for the 2 previous days of gray rain.

I went to the crooked tree & there was a note from Mari. She had become very sick during the night, vomiting & coughing, & she was back at base camp. I am very glad she did that; we are not here to sacrifice our health! I'm sure Robert will have much wisdom to share w/ her. She found my lost sunglasses, as well...

Thank you God for caring for us all. Thank you for the fiery sunset that warms my heart. You are just pretty fantastic!

Sun 2-24:

I must have dozed awhile, while praying. But was amazed at how quickly dawn had arrived! It was so bright outside... I unzipped the tent, to discover it was the brilliance of the moon shining over me! Venus was right there beside her. The stars were out! Another gift from the Universe.

I watched for hrs as the moon slipped across the sky into the west, creating eerie patterns on the tent. Robert walked the fire trail & called out to see if I was alright... I flashed my flashlight at him. He has been a grand leader for this Quest...

I continued to pray...& a gentle stillness came upon me. And w/ that, a soft & loving 'knowing' that my Vision/Path was to be a poet & teacher. No thunder & lightning behind that message. Just the gentle affirmation that I was right where I needed to be...where I was supposed to be.

It became dark after the moon had set, & I dozed fitfully in the deepening wetness, until dawn.

I emerged from the tent...finding a pounding headache when I stood upright. I was nauseated & incredibly weak.  I know that part of that was being dehydrated, because I didn't drink enough water.

I removed the cones & sticks of my sacred circle, giving thanks to all of nature for their part of my experience. I started to pack things & nearly passed out from the effort. Such vertigo & weakness...

I walked down the firewall road to try & find Dan, to see if he could help me roll up the soaked sleeping bag. I stumbled along, nearly falling several times... surprised at the whispery voice that called out 'Dan? Dan?'

I finally located his site & FIRE! He had a lovely campfire roaring... improv seating... a clothesline! It was like walking upon the Taj Mahal in the middle of the woods!

He hugged me & helped me pack. We trudged back to base camp, where Robert had made us a wonderful fruit breakfast. Melons never had such texture... or grapes so sweet... or citrus so effervescent!

I was surprised to see that we were the only ones there. The others had become ill & returned home. But I wasn't disappointed in their not being there. I knew that this was an individual experience... and that we had each received exactly what we needed from the Quest! The knowledge & symbolism would last a lifetime...

(and they will just have to wait to hear me sing my song) ha

There are no words to describe the impact & the empowerment of this experience. It will ever be burned into the circuits of my being. And I'm sure will continue to teach me as I reflect on other moments...

I know I will be 'tested' on my Distrust issues & I hope that I will have a 'testimony' over it all...

Blessings!

Sande Singing-Sister-Pine