Mistakes Were Made
(but not by me)
Why We Justify Foolish Beliefs, Bad Decisions, and Hurtful Acts
By Carol Tavris and Elliot Aronson
Reviewed by Angela Hutchinson
Spirit-Works.net
I think if we are all to be honest, we’d admit there are times we know we are wrong, but for some reason we do not own up to it and instead stay the course just to “win” or at least save face. Or maybe we are in the middle of a heated debate and secretly think our sparring partner may have some, small point, but refuse to acknowledge it because we may be proven wrong. Or more significantly, we have too much to lose to admit that our views may be flawed…where does that leave us as people? What kind of person holds false beliefs? Would that require a change of heart or (gulp) behavior? Social psychologists Carol Tavris and Elliot Aronson take on the big hitters of “foolish beliefs, bad decisions, and hurtful acts” in Mistakes Were Made (but not by me).
“As fallible human beings, all of us share the impulse to justify ourselves and avoid taking responsibility for any actions that turn out to be harmful, immoral, or stupid. Most of us will never be in a position to make decisions affecting the lives and deaths of millions of people, but whether the consequences of our mistakes are trivial or tragic, on a small scale or a national canvas, most of us find it difficult, if not impossible, to say, “I was wrong; I made a terrible mistake.” The higher the stakes—emotional, financial, moral—the greater the difficulty.”
According to the authors we need self justification. We need to believe we are right, that we do what we do for valid reasons in order to live with the cognitive dissonance that rears its head whenever some kind of contradiction of thought erupts. “Cognitive dissonance is a state of tension that occurs whenever a person holds two cognitions (ideas, attitudes, beliefs, opinions) that are psychologically inconsistent...Dissonance produces mental discomfort, ranging from minor pangs to deep anguish; people don’t rest easy until they find a way to reduce it.” The more significant a decision, the greater the dissonance is and the greater the need to justify our decision. Dissonance can also work in reverse, when we act generously toward someone, it creates more compassion for those we help. There is always a flip side.
Unfortunately acts of self justification can be incredibly debilitating to communication and social relationships. We close our minds to truth or compromise in lieu of preserving a belief about our own identity or identity of a family, company, or nation. “Our convictions about who we are carry us through the day, and we are constantly interpreting the things that happen to us through the filter of those core beliefs. When they are violated, even by a good experience, it causes us discomfort.” The authors hope through a deeper understanding of the workings of our thoughts and beliefs, we may be able to change this “blind spot” of defense and find the higher ground of authenticity and openness.
Tavris and Aronson do an outstanding job laying out the thought process of self justification and provide numerous well known, public examples of how they can ultimately play out. Bringing light to issues of the mind is both intriguing and helpful in order to become the people we want to be; liberating us all from the chains of compulsive thinking. From pharmaceutical companies to the President, the stakes are high and the dissonance even higher.
Tavris and Aronson share the surprising information of memory bias and how our memories can be manipulated. “…memory soothes out the wrinkles of dissonance by enabling the confirmation bias to hum along, selectively causing us to forget discrepant, disconfirming information about beliefs we hold dear.” If we need to continue a certain belief, our memory can be a great ally. Whether the belief is true or not, is not necessarily important. Self justification is a powerful force filling a deep need to calm the turbulent waves of dissonance. “False memories allow us to forgive ourselves and justify our mistakes, but sometimes at a high price: an inability to take responsibility for our lives.”
This need to balance dissonance is seen in interrogation techniques, marriage relationships, and political agendas. It is universal and it runs rampant through the thoughts of millions. Now what to do about it… The authors hope we gain some understanding and I do as well. The effects of cognitive dissonance are potentially catastrophic when in we live fearfully, though in reverse, it can save our souls. When we humble and present ourselves without the need to defend, we will be free of this cancer like fear that has us bound to concrete identities. One day I hope we free ourselves of this incessant need to justify who we are and what we believe. The strength of clarity and freedom will be ours when we strengthen our roots and remain as flexible as the tree that bends in the turbulent wind, only to stand tall and majestic afterwards.