Setting Yourself Free

By Angela Hutchinson

Until you see God in yourself you don’t really know who you are.  When you recognize God within, you catch a glimpse of your magnificence.

I grew up as a vibrant little girl who had so much to give.  Only I wouldn’t.  I couldn’t at the time.  I was afraid of failure, I was afraid of attention.  I found my place as a peacemaker and learned not to cause others discomfort. I learned the lesson of shrinking yourself so that others may feel big.  As a child, this became my way of coping in an often times chaotic household.   I was deeply sensitive and shy.  I would request what I wanted in very silent and weak ways, if at all.  Most of the time, no one understood my requests.  I don’t think anyone heard them because they were so faint.  I felt there were no opportunities to express my true self.  That was a luxury I wouldn’t afford myself.    I didn’t feel encouraged to be outspoken or courageous.  I refused to take risks.  I became a “victim” of circumstance.  The stakes of risk taking were too high in my young mind.  My fear began to grow.

Fears have a way of multiplying and growing like a fast spreading cancer.  I believe now that it can be just as lethal.  A life lived in fear is unbearably frustrating and standing paralyzed afraid to move is no way to exist. 

I stopped doing things for myself.  When I heard that inner voice make a request, I immediately shut it off.  Other people were more important.  No time.  No energy.  Not now.  Personal boundaries were non existent.  

As a mother it felt quite natural to give to my family.  I thought nothing of meeting their needs.  It didn’t matter the size of the need or desire…I was there to make it happen if it was possible.  This is what a good mother does.  I neglected myself even further.  I lived in a world of imbalance.  An ironic thing happens in martyrdom...the more I gave, the less people respected me as a person.  If I didn’t see myself as deserving, they certainly couldn’t.  Every few months I would just break under the pressure of not nourishing myself.  You can only give so much on empty.  Then when you do break under the load of resentment, your family and friends think you have completely lost it.  It’s a losing battle.  There can be no winner.

Epiphany:  Believing in yourself and believing you deserve to have your needs met is the foundation to happiness.  This acceptance of yourself and your desires is key.  I began to say “no” less often.  The first time I said yes, I felt giddy.  I could feel higher energy fill my heart.  I was finally listening to the child that never got to express herself.  I heard her. 

When I took the time to listen, the heavens opened up within.  My spirit guides danced victoriously and the lesson was learned.  If you do not listen to your emotional child you will be miserable and then those around you will suffer as well.  It isn’t about self centered behavior.  It is about thinking enough of yourself to understand that nourishing you as a person is vitally important.  This behavior demonstrates the love and acceptance for yourself that you feel or want to feel someday.  Sometimes you have to behave your way to success.  Act as if you do have authentic self esteem.  You do deserve the time and effort.  I could not imagine turning my back on my children the way I turned my back on myself.  It is unthinkable the way I have neglected this innocent soul.  You are important and you do matter.  This isn’t contingent on what you do, what you look like, or where you live.  You are a perfect creation of God.  Sitting on my bed I had to stop and say thank you for this lesson.  It sounds so easy.  But for many years I was not ready to truly “get it”.  I felt a load rise off of my shoulders.  I knew this girl would be taken care of.    I felt God in me.  I could see God in others.  I recognized God’s essence for the first time!  Namaste.

I could not see what united us as people together in a world of such diversity and strong opinion.  Now, because I have rescued my inner self by opening myself up to her needs…I can see what unites us, rather than our differences. 

  Gone is the day of ignoring myself.  Gone is the day of fearful living.  I found empowerment and it was my sole responsibility.  Because I have accepted myself and recognized my own divinity I can accept others and their divinity as well.  I empowered that child and now we are ready to crush the fears and to move forward because it is safe to do that now.  Those fears no longer serve me.  I am living rather than surviving.  I am safe within my own heart and mind.  I have been rescued.  I thank God for showing me the way and I thank myself for walking through the door.